19-something

If you could eat dinner with any person, dead or alive, who would it be and where would you go?

2010-09-13T06:19:00.001-07:00

Anyone I wanted? I have a few friends I miss that I'd love to catch up with, just about anywhere. But I think if I had to choose someone high profile, I'd probably go for Emily Bronte. I have a few unanswered questions.

Ask me anything

Who's the most underrated athlete?

2010-09-13T06:17:00.003-07:00

If I followed sports with any great interest, I may answer this question.

Ask me anything

What was the best advice you've ever received?

2010-09-13T06:17:00.001-07:00

When I was going through school, hating it, my teachers told me to hold out for senior highschool. I didn't finish all of it, but I found a sense of satisfaction with who I was and what I was doing that I may not have had otherwise.

Ask me anything

2010-03-09T16:29:00.000-08:00

So: Mardi Gras Party rocked my socks. And thats the only way I can think of to describe it. ALL the weeks and weeks of anticipation, preparation, shopping, emailing and such ALL PAID OFF. It was BRILLIANT. It was my FIRST and I loved it. (I truly am trying to think of something more fabulous to say. Truly. And I promise I'll tone down the capitals after this first paragraph. I swear) I know a lot of people have been 100% pissy about the whole thing i.e. seperate weekends, calibre of performances (and yes, I totally agree, Guetta sucked), the 'secrecy' policy etc. And yes, I'll be honest, a few of those things did irk me slightly. But I've always felt that if you take away everything about party, strip it back to it's absolute bare bones, it's about the people. And the people, they were wonderful.

I was volunteering at the front of the members area - and let it be known, when I was told that intially my duties would involve 'mingling' and making sure everyone was 'having a good time' - I was absolutely shitting myself. I'm a social butterfly by nature, but meeting new people and just marching up, indulging in conversation with strangers has never been my aboslute strong point. But after an adventure of the set up this year and rousing game of 'LET'S FIND THE TOILETS IN EACH VENUE JUST INCASE SOMEONE ASKS' (as much awesome fun as it sounds ladies and gents....I saw the toilets at the start of the night! In all their clean and shiny glory!), I was feeling a lot better.

This burst of enthusiasm only increased as people started to arrive. Volunteer reshuffling meant I was now at the 'door' (it's really more of a gap thing) of the members area with my friend Ronald and another lovely volunteer, David. It was fairly straightforward. If you have a wrist band - go straight in. If not and your on the list - stick around, I've got something for you ;) If you had a wristbandless plus one, then the members tent was where you had to be. Toilets were here, here, here annnnnd here. ATMs could be found there and there and yeah, no, I'm still not a hundred percent sure about the cigarette thing. Fail (Yeah, seriously, sorry to anyone who asked me ;_; )

Things got really busy as the night went on. My shift ended at 1AM and that final hour was probably the most crazy. We had a lot of 'head down' walkers who thought if they couldn't see us, then we wouldn't be able to see them. And their lack of wristband. Ahem. I felt a little harsh, having to chase after people and be all like 'Sorry guys! Wristbands only!' and I had a few people who weren't overly impressed, but, thems the rules and I was all up for enforcing them. Then there were the flirty guys and girls who thought they could convince you, through pure charm, to let them in. Put bluntly: I don't do charm. Charm has got me into A LOT of trouble in the past. NOT GONNA HAPPEN AGAIN. Not that I said that, though. No. I was totally thinking it. That said, everyone going in and out of the place was totally sweet and I'm so glad I got the chance to meet and have a brief chat with some of you!

The people were what made my night. And whilst I dashed off at the end of my shift to change into the 'girls' (Italian leather. Knee High. Lace Up. You get the picture) and make 'girls' where the were none before...(I had something called a 'super' push up bra. No joke. More padding than boob, but for the look, it was TOTALLY worth it) and the other bits and pieces (I was wearing, and yes, I'm going to describe it, because I loved my outfit and still do, a vest, with a lace back. This gorgeous leather look belt around the bottom of said vest and my middle, that laced up at the front. And cute black and white leggings. I kind of looked like a zebra. Cept it was a rose pattern, not the stripes) So, getting changed was probably another highlight of my night. As was getting changed in front of two of the nice volunteer boys at the cloak marquee. Merry Christmas guys. I tried, so, so hard not to flash random people, but no, that was never going to happen. And it was first time being tits mcgee, so I was a bit nervy, but not, realistically thinking straight (not that you'd want to be. Kind of defeats the purpose, you know?). Fail Mary. Fail. But I have to be honest and say that I got a really big kick out of my v0lunteer shift and there is no doubt in my mind that I'll be doing it again. It was fun and relaxed and sometimes electrically charged - there was such an intense energy running through party guests and you can't NOT get caught up in that.

I managed to knock off in time to get changed and DASH into the RHI on a friends shoulders for Georges performance. And for anyone that witnessed what came after - Yes. I cried. Like a girl. Which is fine. Because I am one. Very much so. I get regularly emotional over a few things, but I sure as shit didn't expect it to happen at the party. But it did. And thats ok (A big shout out to anyone that saw my teary - SORRY you had to witness that).

I didn't catch more than the tail end of the other performances. I was in the Horden for Carl Cox's set though and it was fucking wicked. That man is a genius, an absolute God, and when you hear his naselly british cords screaming out 'YEAH MARDI GRAS, YEAH', you know it's going to be one hell of a musical experience. It was a lot more earthy, pounding basslines, that kind of thing than next door in the RHI. Which was kind of a relief. With a latin dancing background, I find it hard to dance to anything that doesn't have a good beat a long with it, but this was music you could MOVE to. With just enough dramatic pauses for you to catch your breath, but everything in it's right place, nothing sounded weird or wrong - seriously that man is the BOMB. I fully agree with a lot of people however - David Guetta should do his own songs and nothing else. I didn't hear as much as some, but I heard enough to be of the opinion that he can't mix on the spot. Everything has to be prepared beforehand. Ok. Thats fine. Why couldn't they have done that for the Party? I had pre-mixed drinks all night, I wasn't going to give a damn if my music came the same way - so long as it was good. But it wasn't, it really wasn't and given the hype, people had obviously come to expect a fairly high calibre of performance from him. Guetta didn't deliver. Sad for some, but given my brief experience with his stuff, I wasn't too fussed about it.

I'd like to give a shoutout in this blog to Rachel, who looked after all of us volunteer chicks during our shift. THANKYOU. It was nice to know we had somewhere and someone to run to if shit went down, lol, not that it did! And to Michael, who was supervising us over at the Members Area, you're fantastic! You'll probably never read this, but I don't think we would have had a hope in hell without your help at the start of the night. And thankyou for my fan! ^.^ To ALL my fellow volunteers: You guys are the BEST. It was so great to meet all of you and hopefully we'll catch up next year! Or at Sleaze! *fingers crossed*

2010-02-25T05:04:00.001-08:00

So, to anyone who doesn't know or hasn't yet realised - I work in the book industry and have done so for quite some time. So naturally, I read. And generally speaking try to keep up with all the up to date bookish news and nonsense that circulates quite regularly. And there's a lot of news. And for that matter a fucking shitload of nonsense as well.

You'll find that currently, much of this nonsense circulates around Vampires.

Some people will respond to this with much excitement and pleasure.

"Yay! Vampires! They is so sexy-like! Omgz!"

Others, near hysteria.

"OMFG R-PATZ!? WHERZ!?"

Those who react normally, simply don't rate mention. Cynical, cynical bastards. (cough)

That said, there is a new trend appearing - wandering onto the scene with the confidence and bravado of a bachelor in a room full of single over-30's with demanding mothers. Get set ladies, Fallen Angels are the new thing. Those poor, downtrodden, holy souls who had it in with the Big Guy, only to commit some form of sin - Like falling in love with the same girl over and over and over and ove- and get rocketed back down to earth with the rest of us shlubs. Well dang. But naturally, as in all good "Omgz I'm so lonely, yet attractive, yet emo, yet tortured - blah blah blah" stories involving those poor, pitiful male souls we love so much - there is always a heroine around to save the day.

Typically, much like in Ye Olde Vampire Novel, our fair Lady, has no real idea how fair she apparantly is (and you know what, I'm not big on Kristen Stewart, so unless I have pictures, I'm going to go right ahead and believe our heroine when she's having her image crisis. And really, no offence to Miss Stewarts fans, but seriously, I would not tap that. She either looks confused, angst ridden or looks like she's trying to be tough BUT with a back story. No. Just do the damn hand-on-hip-over-the-shoulder-smile thing like everyone else dear and let it go). So, whilst having constant image issues, but being ridiculously smart/witty/funny/'special' in some way, our heroine meets the one guy she can never have - but always does.

SUPRISE!

So, there's a few of these books out at the moment, 'Fallen' and 'Hush' being just two. However whilst trawling through Dymocks the other day, I was lucky enough to come across another title, which has, without a doubt confirmed that there is no God. And eventually, in some form of vampire apocolyse, we're all going to die.

"A vampire princess....

.....a fallen angel......

....will their love be....

....ETERNAL?"

Seriously: FML.

I wanted to burns the precious. Seriously. Burn it. Just so no-ones IQ were ever at risk by reading it. However, I wasn't prepared to spend money on this thing and I didn't think Dymocks would be overly impressed by a bonfire in their store, no matter how small or well managed it may be. And really, I'm not up for burning books. I just don't like the idea. It reminds me of those overly religious phanatical communities who burn books simply because a girl and a boy looked at eachother in a 'sexy' way. Oh wow. Somebody think of the Children. -.-

AND DON'T GET ME STARTED (even though I quite obviously already have) ON THE NEW WUTHERING HEIGHTS COVERS.

WHY?

WHY?

WHY?

So, they're reprinted Wuthering Heights (one of Mary's die-hard favs) with twilightesque covers. And I'm torn between 1. COMPLETE OUTRAGE and 2. Slight appreciation. The OUTRAGED part of me wants to go on a small killing/destructive spree. The more reasonable part of me has come to the conclusion that this, though sacriligious in my opinion, is getting the classics out there, to audiences who may not before have gone near them.

So, it's a win/lose kind of thing I guess.

(stabstabstabstabstab)

Ode to a Boy.

2010-02-25T02:07:00.000-08:00

So there's this guy you see. He's a friend of a friend.

When I originally met him he was quiet-ish. Very opinionated though, which to some may seem an odd combination, but he chose his moments well. He was smart-ish. I say ish because you can know everything on this planet about maths and science and books and things, but if you don't know how to handle people, or, better still, now NOT to handle them, then quite frankly you should probably avoid society as much as possible.

No, seriously, stay INSIDE.

So this boy moved. He did what all good boys and girls do and got the hell OUT of our home town as swiftly as possible after finishing school. My hometown is far from the best place to get on with your life, let alone actually have one to begin with.

This boy got a job, but was still, like a few of people I know, living off Mummy and Daddy's, polished paycheck, despite having an income of his own. And this boy, now, slowly, having made new friends who don't know any better, has torn strips off everyone he used to know. All those people that may have been there when and if things go to absolute shit, now can't stand the sight or sound of him. Silly boy. Silly, silly boy. He's got a marvelously large head and an ego to match. His fashion sense: Vastly improved. His sexuality: Who the fuck knows. He's changed it that many times I struggle to keep up and at the extent of others, no less.

I suppose, given he lives in a city, he's feeling right cosmpolitan. Amongst the bretheren, right now, he probably feels he was always meant to have.

If I could give him some advice...

THAT - doesn't last forever. Eventually all those people who met and knew you intially and thought your were fun, whimsical, exciting, will get sick of your opininated views and the way you seek to push them on others. Eventually the new hairstyle won't suit you quite so well because everyone else has gone down that right at one stage or another. Your attitudes and opinions towards other people in the twisted little game you currently find yourself playing will be noticed and noted. You can only pit people against eachother for so long. After a while they get tired of it and find someone else to blame and at the end of the day it all leads to you.

How unfortunate.

I can understand exploration. I can understand marvelling in the new and unreal after living so long somewhere where minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years blurred together into unsatisfying muck. I can understand relishing the thrill of satisfaction after so long feeling hungry and unsaited. All that I can understand. I've felt it. I've been there. I'm still there and my god, at some times more than others, it feels good. But not, I hope, though can readily admit there may be times when it has been the case, at the expense of the people who genuinely care about you. Who deserve nothing less than your upmost respect.

No.

Because they will find themselves at the peak of that thrill for a lot longer than you will. They won't need to take another hit, because they'll stay there, a long with people like them and it'll be because of those people that they'll remain so uplifted.

It's all nothing if there's no-one to share it with.

2010-02-24T18:33:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting here, drinking Berocca (For my B-B-Bounce, you see) and typing the same emails to the same sort of people over and over and over again. Naturally, after doing this for a certain period of time, the mind begins to wander and I find myself examining my colleagues with a lot more depth. Thats not for sharing though. I've learnt many lessons from bloggers past and that is one of them. Don't under any circumstances, write lengthy exposes about the people who give you money. Ever. If you wish to continue earning said money, these people are best left alone.

I have 30 minutes until I finish. Then off to the doctors again for more tests and fun. They'll tell me today, or perhaps tomorrow, if any what's been done so far has achieved something. I'm hoping it has. I won't be too fussed if it hasn't though. It's all touch and go with the medical world and much like shoe shopping you've got to find the one that fits. Treatment wise, aside from needles, which I hate and taking weird casts of my head, which I don't quite hate, but don't find quite so amusing as everyone else does, it hasn't been too bad, really. It could be worse. I could be very unlucky and things could be much, much, much worse. But they're not. And I'm alive. And thats ok. I mean, life is far from simple at the moment. Money wise, things have been better, but I daresay we'll cope. Living off chinese noodles for a week is comparatively better than living off A. Toast and B. Air - so we're in luck. I've lived off worse. I'm more concerned about feeding our ickle furry friends, but they're not too fussy either. Give them a carrot and all is well and if you don't have a carrot then some lettuce, or some grass or something green that you probably wouldn't eat day by day, even though it's ridiculously good for you, but they naturally would, which explains the glossy fur and generally happy disposition.

2010-02-23T23:40:00.000-08:00

Just finished watching a doco called 'The Sex Blog Girls'.

It was really interesting. I liked to think I'm slowly broadening my knowledge in a number of areas in order to compliment what I'm planning to study. When I eventually narrow that down. I know I want to look at gender and sexuality, but I've been told that at the university where I want most to study these subjects, that particular major turns into little more than a feminist shitfight.

Oh yay. That's something to look forward to.

I've had enough feminist ideals from the women in my family - Forgive me for not wanting to be force-fed more. I don't fully understand the concepts behind what some die-hard feminists say though, so it could be interesting to learn a little more about it all. That said though, the way I've seen some women go on in the past couple of years, really turns me off the ideals they're trying to highlight within the community. Sure, you have a point, sure you want to be heard, but there's no need to go on like a complete idiot. It's like politics - I may not agree with what you're saying, but if you get up and present a well thought out argument or opinion, I'll atleast respect you by the end of it. Not to mention, perhaps, reconsider my stance on the subject.

Anyway - I'd been wanting to watch this documentary for some time and I was lucky enough to find it online. (Because I'd assumed that it had only been shown in the UK, only to find that the recording I was watching, had been shown on SBS. Epic Fail.) It was interesting to hear where all the things I've been reading have come from and how they've started. I never followed 'Girl with a one track mind' but I'd heard of it a lot. That said, the way the media exposed the bloggers identity was not cool. Not at all. I can understand that desperate desire for a story, for THE story - but I don't think, and this is probably why I wouldn't make a good journalist, I could handle getting it at someone else's expense. After all, I can go back home at night and most likely never have to deal with it again. But for the people it affects, a simple story can haunt them for a lifetime.

Wow, that was a bit deep, no?

2010-02-23T23:17:00.001-08:00

Steve Price is a dickhead.

That is all.

2010-02-11T05:19:00.000-08:00

13. Do you have a sure-fire cure for hiccups?

I wouldn't call it 'sure-fire', but I've had a pretty good success rate with it so far. Whenever I get the hiccups I tend to hold my breath and count to 100. No kidding. I find it a bit difficult to hold my breath to 100 though, so I tend to just count to ten, ten times, usually on my fingers.

Yeah. I'm that cool.

14. In which foreign language would you like to be fluent?

I think french. I started learning when I was at school and I enjoyed it for the most part. Until we got to verbs and tenses etc and things went a little sour. French or Italian. I have family in Italy and it's somewhere I really want be able to explore. Then again, so far as cool sounding languages, Russian and German are pretty fiery angry sounding dialects, so I'd be happy to have some strength in either. I think I'mma get some of those language CDs to listen to whilst playing house...

15. The most important thing in life?

Family. And friends. No question. I'm lost without them.

2010-02-11T00:19:00.000-08:00

Taking Mother to hospital on Saturday. This involves heading down to see the Grandmother on the coast tomorrow (Friday) and then heading to Sydney with both Mothers and then back to Canberra on Sunday. I have no idea how yet. Probably by bus. The Boy won't be coming to get me or anything even though I would have liked it if he had. Even if he came down Saturday night. He's not big on Valentine's Day and normally I'm not either...But this year, having some I actually care enough to celebrate it with, makes things a little bit difficult.

I'm going to miss him :(

2010-02-10T16:31:00.000-08:00

[Currently trying to phone mother dearest so we can go talk about our respective medical funsies and compared meds...wooohoooo....Needless to say, I'm having trouble connecting, so here are some more answers to some more questions...]

10. What do you tend to do while you're talking on the phone? I pace. I am a chronic pacer. Shame, shame, shame....I know. It's terrible. I'm working on it. Really, I am. I'm in a twelve step program, that's clearly not working. If I'm not pacing then I fidget. Or I do that weird leg wriggle thing. -shakes head- I try. And the problem with pacing is that, our house, is a very, very, very nice house that goes in and out of reception like you would not believe. We have our good spots and bad spots. The good spots tend to be near the front door. However, that's not nearly enough space for me to wander around so majority of my calls cut out mid way through the living room. >.<

11. Is there an accent you can imitate? British. Yes. And with great ease. It's in my blood so....go figure.

12. What is the most ridiculous thing you've ever done? There have been so many I have, no kidding, lost count. I mean lately, it's been going out until unreasonable hours and feeling like hell the next morning - whilst on heavy medications. SMART. [If you're sitting there thinking, 'Mary, you fucking IDIOT' and if you're my mother and/or grandmother.....this never happened. Kgood?] But I can't think of anything too outrageous. I mean this time last year I went to a costume party called Moulin Cube and met two very, very, very good friends. But that weekend I indulged in behaviours that probably would have made a few of my more good christian friends hair curl. [Good Christian friends? Wait.. What good Christian friends?] That was a pretty crazy week actually. I had a lot of friends up from Sydney. Good friends, Bad friends, Ex Boyfriends. Hmmm. I think I spent too much time 'in.' >.<

2010-02-10T16:18:00.000-08:00

Double Standards are FAIL. (In an Epic way).

I have a friend (if you're reading this 'Hi friend!' xoxoxxo). She works in a customer service type position. We both used to work together at the bookstore of Hell and Pain and Suffering - That which shalt not be named - and she left after me to this job, which was basically her ticket out of that hellhole so we were all very pleased for her and she was quite pleased herself. Pay was decent, hours were decent, all was reasonably good. Or so we thought. Now she's gotten into a Uni course that she's quite psyched for and her employer has told her to choose between a job and university.

WHAT THE FUCK!?

Ok, so Number 1. Who the fuck does that? This wouldn't be so much of an issue if a bunch of the other staff there also happen to be uni students who's schedules everyone's been more than happy to work around.

Number 2. WHY won't they work around hers? Like, really? They told her all this crap about having a business to run, the usual speech they give you when they're a bunch of lazy fuckers who want to get by with the least effort possible. I mean, I'm sorry...I don't want to give away too much, but there is a ridiculously high number of customers going into that place. And they'll always go into that place. Generally speaking it's a part of life. So going on about how tough the business world is CONSIDERING their already established client base and the huge motherfucking merger they've just done which is only going to bring them MORE BUSINESS, is a little bit rich.

Argh! This shit makes me go all Hulk Mary. Except I'm not green and I'm certainly not Eric Bana or Edward Norton. Though if I was, none of us would have to work because I'd be rolling in it and I would hire her as my life assistant and we wouldn't have to worry ever. That would be nice. I would like that. Chances of it happening.....not very high. -.- I can dream though, can't I?

11-02-10

2010-02-10T06:29:00.000-08:00

Late night Pondering: So, those new ANZ ads are full of shit. I mean, generally the service there is ok...(don't try talking to anyone over the phone though) and I guess there are actually staff in there look alive. Some of them even seem to enjoy their jobs, which is always promising. But I've never been greeted by someone at the door. Ever. I've never walked into an ANZ branch anywhere and had a happy looking ANZ guy go 'Hi, Welcome to ANZ'. Ever. And I kind of want that to happen now. I mean, the ads said it would happen so I feel like I'm either hitting a really dodgy branch of the ANZ and I've been missing out all this time or....I've been lied to by advertising. Which would total destroy me. Cause it's not like I've ever had that happen before.

-Scoff-

My favourite bit of advertising at the moment is one of those lengthy infomercials, with paid actors who spend a whole hour pretending to be 'real' people chatting about how awesome some food processor/exercise machine/weight loss pill/cooker is to all their numorous friends who apparantly A. Have no homes of their own and come there to eat/self medicate/work out and B. Have nothing better to talk about. Wow. Housewives idolise these people. And thats why so many of them also idolise Valium, because it must put a totally different spin on this sort of thing. Hey - I've succombed. Late at night, whether it's due to lack of sleep or an assortment of different pain/other medication (I have pill boxes now to help me remember which day I'm up to - Medical issues: FTW!), I have this sudden urge to pick up the phone and order a Magic Bullet.

When I say sudden urge I mean intense desire. I'm thoroughly convinced that the answer to all my problems lies in this whirring, mixing, chopping, mincing phalic symbol. And you know, kitchen wise, maybe it is the answer to all my questions. The idea of being able to do everything in one step is not only the cure to many a harried would be chefs dinner schedule, but also the complete cure to laziness. You shove things in a container, press and twist. Hell even MEN think this thing is cool. It's simple enough for some of the guys I know (And this is in no way meant to offend, but I really do know some very.......special guys) - so hell there must be something there.

8:01pm

2010-02-10T00:54:00.000-08:00

7. To which ancient race would you have liked to belong?

The Greeks. Easy. The had long baths, good food, good wine, good women, decent men and were generally just fucking awesome. Not to mention a God for every occasion. Fashion was pretty damn fine back then as well. I sure as hell wouldn't be complaining if I had to wander around in a toga.

8. Do you have an interesting scar, birthmark or tattoo?

Scar - not really. Birthmark - weird coloured part of my skin on my left temple. You can barely see it and I wasn't even really aware of it's existence until a few years ago. Cue my teenage angst - At that age I paid so much attention covering just about every imperfection I could find with a shovel full of makeup, that the day I discovered the mark of my birth I had a near nervous breakdown. Hurrah! Now I am not only the girl with glasses and acne, but also the one with the weird birthmark! This all seems a bit trivial now, considering I can barely find the damn thing and don't care too much about covering it anyway...but at that age things like that were, apparantly life threatening. I hope to have a tattoo of my pen name soon though. It's a matter of putting it around where I want it without it looking like a tramp stamp. My god, it's difficult. And the font. Thats another problem I keep running into. Just when I think I'm happy with a design.....I change my mind. Argh!! *head explosion*

9. Is one's personality born or made?

I think everyone is born with certain traits. Certain things that belong purely to them irrespect of breeding and all that bullshit. And I think who they are surrounded with and what influences they have whilst growing up and all the way throughout life, tend to shape them as a person and change their personality. People change to accomodate the world in which they live, whether it be conciously or some urge deep down in their subconcious that convinces them to unwittingly do so.

SHITSHITSHITSHIT

2010-02-10T00:51:00.000-08:00

If I could make money from going out, drinking, dancing and enjoying myself.....then I'd so be there. But at present my health looks to take even those things away from me. Fucking yay. Bring on the rolling pessimism! Hurrah! And not suprising, the Boy went to his friends to drop something off and still isn't back yet! Hardly fucking suprising! I am no good at this whole....'compromise' thing.

10/02/10 - More Conversation...

2010-02-09T17:51:00.000-08:00

4. Asked to compile a CD of your favourite songs, which 4 would you include?
I have absolutely no idea, probably isn't going to cut it right? Right. I hate questions like this, my taste in music changes as regularly as I change clothes, which is almost twice a day - I really need to cut back...- so it's difficult for me to say anything with great certainty. I try and think of songs that mean something to me or echo good times I've had...so at the moment I'd have to say:

- Father Figure by George Michael - Seriously, don't ask me why, but I bawl my eyes out every time I hear it. I think the lyrics are just so beautiful and so deep and I love it, so there.

- All day and All of the Night by The Kinks - Will always be the ultimate party song for me. From those first few bars onwards, I want to slip on my platform boots, a short dress and just go crazy. It really stuck out for me in 'The Boat that Rocked', since then it's been up the top of my play lists ^.^

- Wuthering Heights by Kate Bush - Ok, this is one of my favorite books and the song always, always, ALWAYS reminds me of Cathy, with or without lyrics. Kate Bush could be singing the flipper theme tune in the same voice to the same music and it would still remind me of Cathy knocking of Heathcliff's window. This is a very haunting tune but it's a brilliant ode to the work of Emily Bronte.

- Dance in the Dark by Lady Gaga - Not only am I completely in love with this woman and her music, but this song has so many other levels. I am obsessed. So much so I think I'll post the lyrics. It's amazing. And mentions one of my heroines, the brilliant and beautiful Sylvia Plath. I think one of the things I love about the music is it's so easy to dance to, to sing to and all the sounds just work together. It all fits and I love it. I can't help but feel uplifted when listening.

5. Which Invention, not yet available, would you like to have?
A hover car. Wings. A google phone. These all exist in some capacity....they're just not available TO ME.

6. What advice would you give to someone about to be married?
I'm almost tempted to say 'Don't' because I've known so many people who've done it for the wrong reasons. And I know so many who've done it for all the right ones. It's hard to say. I mean, I've considered it as a part of my future but I don't have many strong beliefs on the subject other than to say, don't do it unless you're absolutely certain. If you have any concerns, regrets, awkward feelings in the pit of your stomach - STOP. Wait. Take a second to refresh and rewind and try to figure out where it's all coming from. If you go ahead with something that may not be real for both of you, then you'll end up ruining two lives instead of one.

Owl things!

2010-02-09T17:13:00.000-08:00

So, I'm an Owl freak. If I haven't already mentioned it, then, well, I really haven't been myself lately. But I am. Religiously. I am drawn to anything Owl-related whether it be in stores, on people or on my television screen. Obsessed. And I'm slowly amassing a collection of Owl-related paraphernalia, which I think is starting to drive the Boy insane. So much so that he feels compelled to link arms and urge me away from Diva and Equip, who seem to be the worst for owls at the moment (See, he says worst, I say best, as there are plenty!!!!!!) , but I'm fairly certain that almost every store has at least one, regardless of what they sell. Owls are in! So today, I'm taking a photo of every Owly item I have in the direct vicinity of my person. I can count, so far, at least 4. Clearly, you are in for a treat...

Owl Statues. Gifted to me by a very dear friend <3

Owl pen! Which I also have a matching owl notebook and list pad to go with...These are from my time at Borders. When this range came in I went a bit mad. I also have a bowling bag in this pattern...

This is from Diva the other day. The Boy and I were at DFO and BAM! surrounded by owls. To his credit, he did try to stop me...but the damage was done the moment he let me walk in there.

The second of my Diva Owls. They have a lot of really big chunky owls aswell. I have one thats quite large but with a lot of the designs, they stop looking like retro/funky owls and just start looking like giant chunks of metal. I'm not big on MASSIVE jewellery.

By far my favourite. I'm at home sick at the moment so this is my comfort owl. He is simply one of the cutest Owl plushies ever, even though he seems a bit sad looking. He was originally $70 at Cardeaux, but I got him for $16 because he was Christmas Merchandise ^.^Definately worth it.

2010-02-08T21:13:00.000-08:00

Dear Vince,

It's been almost five years now, but I still catch myself thinking about you almost everyday.
I'm living life in a way now that I never thought I'd have the opportunity to....I don't know whether you'd be happy or sad about what I've managed to do with myself these past few years, but I hope you'd at least respect my choices. I think you would. I'm still here and that, after all, was what you wanted the most.

Sometimes I wonder what life would have been like if you were still here. As much as I loved you, there are so many people in my love now who I love and cherish. When I catch myself thinking about life without them, it's almost like how I used to feel when I thought of life without you. Unbearable. These people make up my life now and without them I am nothing. I never want to be that lost again, even though I think sometimes I get very close. I think I've reached another crossroad in my life, but neither path is very clear to me and a decision has to be made. I remember when we were younger and we made decisions purely according to what made us happy and what, for the most part, made other people happy. Now I have to make decisions according to how I'll pay next months rent and whether or not I want to eat for the next week or so. I wish I could get back to that time when everything was simple, but with age comes responsibility and nothing will ever be as easy as it was back then.

I can still hear your voice in the back of my mind when I'm making decisions. And when I'm having doubts. It's reassuring, but I don't think many of the family would understand. They'd probably, if anything, be a tad concerned, which is understandable. 5 years is a long time and I'm sure they've all expected me to be over you and everything that happened by now. I am. Over you. In the sense that I don't think of you as a lover anymore. I have one of those and he's my partner in just about everything. I believe in him more than anything else in this world, though I don't tell him nearly enough. I think of you now as a friend. A very dear, close friend that I loved and I lost. I still think of it all as dreadfully unfair. I don't know how long it'll take me to adjust and to accept, to stop being angry or sad and just live. I'm waiting for a day to come when it'll all just magically make sense, but deep down we both know that's unlikely. I can hope and wish for the time being for that quick fix...whilst I take steps towards doing things the hard way.

I try not to be disappointed with my life. With the decisions I've made, the good and the bad. I try to understand that every so often someone is landed with a dose of a 'normal' existence and that I'm no exception. I can't always have the extraordinary even though things seem dull without it. I worry about not having that same 'knock me off my feat' feeling that I've had in life before and I worry about worrying about it. I feel sometimes like I've jinxed myself. I hope not. These things take time, but I always was and always will be an impatient sort of person. I'm committed to writing every day, just to get some of those poisonous thoughts and feelings and words out of my system, lest they eat me alive. My biggest fears are regret and being alone. I hope that I can accept them, not as fears but facts of life, as things that occasionally just happen but aren't anything to be afraid of, before I succomb to them entierly.

I don't know what else to write. I think I'm done for today. But there will be more, I'm sure, in the lead up.

Mary.

90210

2010-02-08T20:38:00.000-08:00

What to do when you have nothing to write about (or you're at least stuck in the sort of rut where you think you don't, but you actually do - Fail.)

So, recently I brought a game from work called 'The Art of Conversation.' It's basically a set of cards, each has 3 questions on it and you get together with your friends, family, significant other and take turns answering the questions. Some of them are really funny, some of them are a bit more deep and meaningful and some are just plain silly! But all in all it's a fun sort of activity. You can choose to score answers and have a bit more of a competitive run with it, but lately I've preferred to just sit down with the Boy and find out a little more about each other.

So, in that spirit, I've decided that on those days when I complain about having nothing to write about, when really I do but just can't find a way to put it into words, I'll answer some of these questions. It's better than letting everything here gather dust...

1. Which cartoon, or comic strip character, hits the spot with you?

I'm a sporadic comic strip reader. I'm one of those people who casually glances at the strips in the weekend papers, mainly because they're there and occassionally I'll get a decent laugh out of one or two of them, so it's really hard to say. I watch a ton of kids TV (shame, shame, shame...) namely because all these extra free-to-air TV channels we have here now seem to cater mostly to that market, with the exception of the midday and late night shifts, but there's no real characters there that 'speak' to me, as such. I think if I had to decide, I'd say Garfield. I've read a fair bit of garfield. For some reason at any one time there tend to be an awful lot of Garfield fans and/or casual readers in my life and there's something about that Cat that I can really tune into. He's sarcastic, so there's similar humour there and he loves his coffee, which is something I can totally share. And it's funny. The strips never seem to date....the jokes done 5 or 10 years ago are still just as funny now as they were when they were written.

2. The most spectacular natural phenomenon you have ever seen?
These questions are harder than they seem. I've seen some fairly magical storms over my 20 years so far. I like storms. Granted some of them can be fairly wild and scary and sometimes just generally unpleasant, but on the whole they're amazing. I've always felt that there was a lot of passion behind a storm. They're so unpredictable. They remind of an argument between lovers or some bout of fiery lovemaking. It goes from calm to madness to calm again, sometimes in hours, sometimes in minutes, but you feel the after affects for some time following it all.

3. Which trait would you find most annoying in a partner?
If there is one thing in the world I hate, then it's to be placated. I hate it when someone says something because they think thats what you want to hear or because they think it'll shut you up. Shamefully I've done it in the past, but men who do that and women for that matter, really piss me off. -.-

2009-11-03T00:41:00.000-08:00

Spending a ton more time by myself. And trying to rustle up enough enthusiasm not to care. I never said I was good at this. I miss being out, so, so much. I should have done my best to cling to the female friends I had when I had them. But over time they've all either moved away, moved onto greener pastures or just lost interest. I don't get along that well with girls. And I'm so bored. The guys I used to hang out with still go out but they usually head out with the intention of picking up and I can't do that anymore. It's not really my focus anymore. Sometimes I wonder if this was a good idea in the first place.

I keep thinking about Vincent. About the chances we haven't had. All the things we haven't done. I miss him so, so much. I've been thinking a lot more lately about how things could have been. If he'd gotten better and I'd been a little less fucked up. I know he would have convinced me to finish school, no matter how fucked up things had been. And I would have gone to university, just like I'd planned from the beginning. But things didn't happen that way. But I can't stop imagining what life might have been like. And I can't stop dreaming about him. I see his face in my sleep and he's telling me every things going to be OK and I wish, more than anything else right now, that I could believe him.

Sometimes everything just hurts. I don't know whats wrong with me right now. The Boy deserves better than this. I wish I could be as happy as I'm supposed to be right now.

2009-10-30T21:37:00.000-07:00

Quite frankly, I'm starting to forget why I started this in the first place. By this, I refer to my relationship. Thats how insane things are. One minute it's all UP and next, it's well and truly DOWN. It's the most amazing day outside and the Boy wants to sit on his ass in front of his computer. I just want to get out somewhere, anywhere. But no. And I've had enough of it. He brings up self esteem issues almost as much as I do, but there'll be days when he just won't leave the house except to drive somewhere and even then only in his damn car. I've had enough. But talking, is pointless. So I have to remain silent, knowing that even if I did say something, the chances of him understanding are slim.

Anyway, it's not like I haven't said it all before.

2009-10-28T15:10:00.000-07:00

My attitude and personality seem to change day by day by day. Just when I'm feel really uneasy about everything, The Boy does something that reminds me of how much I love him and why I love him in the first place. He's so entirely selfless. He loves making other people happy and he seems to enjoy making me happy, even though there's times when him just being there is enough. I'm very lucky to have him in my life. And I think my insecurities are normal. This is the first big thing since V, so it was never going to be easy.

28/10

2009-10-27T17:09:00.000-07:00

Every so often I get struck by those moments where I start to wonder whether or not I've made the right decisions. Not in anything in particular, just on the whole. I get very worried that maybe I've taken the wrong path somewhere along the line and that's going to make life difficult in the future. I'm in one of those moments today. I'm second guessing everything and feeling terribly worried. It's not about work, no, I'm certain I made the right decision there and I have a new job now, so I'm happy in that.

I'll be working with fantastic people at a fantastic place, doing what I love. Back to working with books again, but earning good money and having fun whilst doing it. It's a bit of everything and more of an educational based store, so I'm looking forward to it.

I guess I'm more thinking about my relationship at the moment. It's been great. I can't fault it. My family loves the Boy and the Boy's family seem to like me (or at least I hope they do). I'm just driving myself crazy because, as it always goes, you get a ton more attention when you're dating than when you're single. And I have been getting a few expressions of interest here and there and whilst I try not to doubt myself I have a feeling that some of them just stem from the fact that I, at present am the unattainable. But there's some that seem legit. And it's really, really hard. These are fantastic people. People I'd love to get to know and people that if circumstances were different I could really see myself falling for.

I don't trust myself and that's the big problem. And I tried to explain this to the Boy, but he seemed to think it was the sort of thing I was just overreacting about and if that's how he wants to see it, then fine. If it makes him happy. It's making me miserable. I haven't been out and about in a while. Not with the girls and for a while I thought it was because of the absence of female friends in my life, but it's really not. It's because I can't go out and enjoy those nights the way I used to. I always have to be on my guard and even going out looking hot, seems like a crime. The Boy doesn't enjoy going out as much as I do. The age difference means he's had his wild crazy years but I'm still living mine. And I'm unable to enjoy them. And it sucks. It's not his fault. It's not anyone's fault. But I hate it.

2009-10-25T03:59:00.001-07:00

I remember the very imprints that his fingers made upon my skin.
And when I think about it too much, those invisible caresses burn.
Like lips waiting to be kissed, that tingling.
The wetting of lips with the tip of an eager tongue.
I can already feel the inevitable kiss.
Neck craning out, inch by inch, yet still attempting to remain inconspicuous.
Moist lips now dry and chapped, puffs of breath may as well be scorching winds.

25/10

2009-10-25T03:24:00.000-07:00

It's amazing how in less than a month, your entire world can be flipped upside down and all over the place. Amazing, brilliant and frightening, but it all happens so quickly that generally, there's very little you or anyone else can do about it. I know that in my life this sort of phenomena tends to be a normality. There isn't a day without something life changing. After a while this can get annoying. There are some dull, dull days where things seem less like a soap opera and more like an abstract short story, where every little normal thing, from brushing your teeth, to going to bed is magnified and filled with adjectives and nondescript turns of phrase. These days are as they are, so ridiculously analysed, because without the drama that has become every day, I'm forced to look for something else to keep me entertained, or to write about.

I'm looking for work again. Lucky me. My reasons...there's a few. I reisgn tomorrow and I could go into a lengthy explanation of why this is happening, but I've told the same story so many different times over the past two weeks in so many different ways that I'm running out of ways to tell it so I don't get bored. My vocab has been exhausted. Needless to say, I left for a reason, one I see as being a good one and I'm determined to start enjoying my life. It looks as though I may be heading back into the book industry, which is where I really belong and I'm happy there. I hope this turns out to be the case. I'm sick of waking up in the morning and being filled with a sense of forboding.

Tomorrow, however, there will be therapy, of some description. I will talk alot, to someone who is a qualified listener and who will then make a diagnosis and tell mewhether or not I'm entierly sane. I like to think I already know the answer, but you can never be too sure. I, am most certainly not qualified to know these things, so I think it's probably best for me to get a second opinion before I go right ahead and commit myself. No matter how appealing the option seems. I need a support network. People who will help memake sense of what's going on and why it's happening and convince methat fate is not entierly against me and I haven't angered God. Though I think this is very likely. We haven't exactly been on speaking terms in some time. And I have been using his name in vain a little more than necessary. I'm simply not the good catholic girl my family had once hoped to turn out. Certain members of the family that is. I'm far too argumentative for some. Not to mention I have my own ideas and I've turned out a lot like my brilliant, forward thinking, highly intelligant mother. Heaven forbid!

Things with the Boy are plodding along nicely. He is lovely. And supportive of me, in all my madness and emotional trauma. Of which, it would seem, there is alot more than expected. I make the mistake of thinking that I've put all these things behind me, only to have them sneak back up on me when I least expect it. These sort of issues are never really put to pasture. That said, there's times when I find myself becoming the over-obsessive girlfriend and wondering where he is and what he's doing. I don't worry about him being with another girl or anything like that, but he's not very good at communicating sometimes and it's hard. I try to be understanding and not turn into one of those mad women and need everything done to some sort of schedule that doesn't exist. Truth would be nice though. I hate being told something because the assumption is that it's what I want to hear. If you're not going to be home for an hour or so, tell me. Don't say you'll be home 'soon' and then not show up until around midnight, expecting attention.

I have anger issues (no, really?). I get infuriated when people make promises they can't keep. I don't know why. I think it all boils down to Father dearest and his awesome ability to do just that. And to have me so convinced that what he would say was true. That I could rely on him and no-one else, but in truth, it was the other way around. I could rely on everyone else, but not him. Sometimes it's hard to figure out what hurts me more. I think the most annoying thing is that I'm so caught between love and hate for this man, this father, that I don't know where to start. I don't know what to do with this mass of emotion. And it's never going to get any easier, but I have no choice but to convince myself it will, until I have the time to actually make it happen.

Blegh :s

2009-09-15T18:23:00.000-07:00

I have glandular fever. Fail. Super, super, super fail right there. It is, as you've probably guessed, bloody horrid. So don't expect me to be in the best of moods for the next few days because I seem to be able to conjure up plenty to snarl about when I'm ill >.> It all crept up rather suddenly as well. One minute I was in full health, the next my throat felt like sandpaper and one of my glands started to look very much like an egg on the side of my neck. MmmMmm. Lovely. I have flat out refused to wear my hair up for the next few days. I'm pretty sure any questioning glances or looks of horror will end only in the death of innocent bystanders. A sick Mary is not a friendly Mary, this I can assure you.

I've been a little bit lazy with my posting *slaps wrist* I know, I know. Bad Mary and all that. Things have been rather busy as of late and I've been ever so tired. :( But I'm hoping that with alot of Tea and a crap load of pain killers, all will soon be well. Fingers crossed and all that.

In my laziness I haven't kept up with my 'Things that make me happy photos' so I'm going to post one I took the other day at the boys house and do my best to catch up! ^.^ It's of the kitties. There are two kitties at the Boys house! One of them belongs to the boy and the other to his housemate. I love cats and these two are the sweetest things, despite getting into bucket loads of mischief ALL the time.

When this photo was taken it was a beautiful day and the cats were taking in the sun by the bathroom window.

<>

Hmmmmmmmmmmmm....

2009-09-10T16:24:00.000-07:00

You know how there's times when you get news and when you first hear it you think "Oh, thats fantastic!" But then the more time you have to think about it, it starts to baffle you slightly and it takes you alot more time to get used to the idea than you'd thought after that first, intial reaction? Thats how I feel about Ellen Degeneres judging on American Idol. Don't get me wrong, I love Ellen and think she's fantastic, funny, witty and the like and I think she'll add some much needed spark to the current panel (seeing her an Simon Cowell working together should be interesting...), but as a judge I'm not so sure. I'm hoping she won't turn out to be the cliche sympathetic female judge that sits in the centre of the two harsher critics as it seems to go with alot of these shows. (Don't get me started on So You Think You Can Dance. The honest truth is you think you can, but you can't, please go home).

I guess we'll just have to wait and see how it all turns out. I'm hoping she'll bring some more honesty to the table and a little constructive criticism. Simon's very good at the criticism but it's not always constructive as playing up to the character he seems to play every series, the one that's been set aside for him and that earns him ridiculous amounts of money. I think their serious lack of brutal honesty in some cases results in so much half assed talent out there aswell as young singers who have the talent but don't go about things in the right way, meaning their star only shines for 15 minutes before their dwarfed by someone who was a little more business savvy.

I think that's why I've spent a little more time on Australian Idol this year. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a huge fan of talent shows, but when there's nothing else on TV it's nice to catch up with what everyone else is talking about. I can't fault that there's some talent on that show this year either. And the judging panel is improved by the absence of Kyle Sandilands. The new judge, Jay Dee brings a certain professionalism and industry know-how that's been missing from Dicko's judging style as of late. He's starting to work back into it and we're starting to see more of the Dicko we all know and love, but what's impressed me about Mr Springbett is that he's been honest from the start and is very comfortable with that. He's not saying things to benefit the audience, but the performers themselves, which realistically is what the shows all about.

"I'm not here to be a clown. I'm here to unearth talent."

Sure, the public has input, but it's not their futures that are being played with.

Jack Marx came out today defending and insulting Kyle Sandilands in a rather scathing description of today's journalists. I think the constant insults of Sandilands were meant to prove that the outrage both in and out of the media, his comments have generated is a waste of time. It was an interesting read and he makes some valid points. However, one such point did get to me a little:

'His excuse for saying, “Was that your only experience” made sense to me: he was confused, gobsmacked, and was trying to let his producer know that the segment was over. You can actually hear the panic in his voice, if you care to listen.'

Right, Ok. I don't know about you (and this is all I'm going to say about this because I don't think for a second it deserves anymore of anyone's time), but how does "Was that your only experience?" manage to let the producer know the segment is over? I don't really care how much panic was in his voice, it was a bloody stupid thing to say. There are millions of different ways he could have ended the segment. One really super way which would probably keep him out of a whole heap of trouble in the future aswell, would have been to STOP TALKING. Who gives a crap if it sounds messy or doesn't make good radio. Thats not the point. At that stage, it was that girl who was important, not the saving the damn show.

So no. No I don't care to listen (again).

For those who care to read it, Jack Marx article can be found here:
http://www.news.com.au/entertainment/story/0,28383,26054015-5013560,00.html

2009-09-09T22:19:00.000-07:00

Kyle Sandilands, is an idiot.

http://www.news.com.au/entertainment/story/0,28383,26052461-5013560,00.html

He just hasn't figured it out yet. He's still, after all the controversy of the past few weeks, so far up himself it's not funny. He has this ridiculous idea that he's seemingly indestructable and he can say whatever the damn he wants at anyone's expense. Go back a couple of years and it was moderately amusing. Now....it's just pathetic. No-one finds him funny. There's an initial bark of laughter at something he's said, mostly due to the shock factor, but then it actually sets in what just crawled out his mouth and people are left with an unsettling feeling of disgust and subtle horror.

I think the biggest mistake regarding Sandilands was letting him near a microphone in the first place. What may have started off as a sound investment has steadily declined into something that's more trouble than it's worth. His comments are crass and ridiculous. They'd perhaps be humourous if they actually made sense, but as of late, particularly his suggestions regarding weight loss and concentration camps, make it seem like Kyle is grasping at straws.

He's not alone however. There seems to be a consistant trend at the moment of 'shock' celebrities who are taking things just that little bit too far. The most obvious of these would be Gordon Ramsey and his 'jests' regarding channel 9's Tracy Grimshaw. I think part of the problem with these people is that they get so caught up in the moment that they forget where they are. Be yourself in the public eye, ok, if that makes you comfortable, but if you're presenting material to the masses, you have to consider that your audience won't always agree with you. They won't share your sense of humour and whilst these shock jocks might get off on crowd pleasing and 'suprising' their audience, people are getting a little bit sick of rising to the occasion.

It's becoming clear that there isn't much room for this sort of behaviour in the industry. What once was amusing and brought ratings, is now doing the exact opposite. As the world changes, so does people's humour. Kyle and his buddies need to be prepared to rise to the occasion (and know when to keep their mouths shut) - or dissapear back to whatever shady corner they came from in the first place.

2009-09-09T21:20:00.001-07:00

Dear Boy,

You know I love you.

Don't be sulky.

Girl.

101 Stupid/Silly/You should have known better >.< Mistakes.

2009-09-09T20:48:00.001-07:00

(Yes, this will be an ongoing thing.)

1. Asking the boy for constructive criticism on blog...

"Just tell me what you think ok? I've been doing some updating etc with the layout."

....and expecting a constructive response.

As amusing as I find this.....I think it pretty much sums up every tweet I've ever tweeted >.< (Fail)

2009-09-09T20:10:00.001-07:00

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

2009-09-09T19:51:00.000-07:00

A very good and wise friend of mine (who'll kill me for having not come up with a better 'code-name' for her, but for the time being we'll call Miss C..) once told me that she'd read somewhere (from someone else very learned and wise) about someone taking a photo of something that made them happy, every day. So, we'd be out and about and every so often she'd snap something that caught her fancy. Something funny, whimsical, cute, memorable, it could be anything, but if it brightened her day it was worth it.

She'd have amassed quite the collection now, I'd imagine. And I was thinking about it the other day and decided I'd like to do the same. I got to thinking that keeping track of these little things and having a record of them, could be very useful when life was looking a bit bleaker than usual.

So, without too much more waffling on, today's photo:

THAT is what I got with my Subway today. I'm quite fond of Subway. I'm VERY fond of Subway cookies. Today they have pink M&M's in them to support breast cancer. I think it'll be an ongoing thing. They look awesome and it's for a good cause. Thats what I like in a cookie! (Aside from the obvious and compulsery inclusion of several degress of YUM).

2009-09-08T22:41:00.000-07:00

It's just filtering into the end of the day. Soon it'll only be an hour of work to go and then dinner with Mum and the Boy. I'm very tired. It's been one of those days that starts off well enough, but by midday, your counting the minutes until it ends. And that's not only pointless, but very frustrating. I've spent a great deal of my day glaring at the time in the right hand corner of my screen, willing it to change. And when it does, it's a bit depressing. Because it's only one minute more than it just was and I'm only one minute closer to home time, which, when you think about it, isn't all that much.

Fail. -.-

2009-09-07T18:27:00.000-07:00

Ah email banter. How delicious. I'm currently caught in the midst of semi-constructive email debate with The Boy and his friends. Most of whom are Public Servants or Office Slaves like myself, so it definately makes the day go by just a little quicker. We've been bantering on about the legal system and getting next to no-where. There's times when the conversation gets so fierce that it's hard to tell whether or not everyone will be friends again when the heat dies down, however, not long after those moments, someone will make some sort of joke and everythings alright again.

Simple pleasures.

"Toxic Silence"

2009-09-07T15:47:00.001-07:00

I can't wrap my head around it.

I'm not a big media fan. The evening news. The local newspaper. I've never really seen the point. I think I have a basic understanding of why it's there, but I think if it dissapeared entierly I'd probably find a way to cope. It's always just seemed like well versed gossip and feel good stories to me. We all need something to feel good about right? And why not fluffy animals doing bizaare things? Or small children committing heroic deeds?

Don't get me wrong. I smile and laugh along at these things, just like everyone else. And I'd be lying if I said I didn't have that small warm and fuzzy feeling in the pit of my stomach after learning that Snuggles the kitten did get rescued from the tree by the nice fireman and everyone's going to live happily ever after. But I'm pretty sure most of that is to do with the fireman (you just can't go past a man in uniform), not the kitten.

I get the importance of local news aswell. Keeping up to date with what's happening in your own neck of the woods is important and I'd be lying again if I said I didn't try to keep up to do date.

I think the problem I have is the power of the media, in general. Whether it's national news or local news, tv or newspapers, all those mediums have the power to inform and to some extent provoke discussion and changes within the community. It seems as if once something is picked up by the national news or those other indepth news programs, that the real progress begins. However it's rare you find these issues on your local news programs, even if thats where they all stem from.

There are issues, in communities all over the country that arn't particularly pleasant to talk about. Ongoing issues, that no-one really wants to hear, but can't really be ignored. There has, without a doubt been a trend of silence in regards to some issues that has done more harm than good. One of the big ones at the moment is Youth Suicide. It's one of those things thats becoming increasingly more difficult to ignore, but it's not often you'll be exposed to any media coverage about it because it seems as though people are quite happy to put a lid on it.

One instance of this is the cancellation of a 60 minutes story about the recent string of youth suicides in Geelong. I can, at first glance, understand beyondblues point and concern in regards to copycat suicides and kids getting the wrong idea. But after thinking about it a little more, I can't help but feel a little frustrated about the whole thing. I can understand their desire to protect the young people who the story may affect, but I don't think silence is the answer. I think more than anything, education is important. Treating this like the issue it is, because until recently it had been pretty much swept under the carpet.

"The advice that's given to me is that too much discussion about these things leads to the conclusion, in many people's minds, that this is an acceptable or normal behaviour, and it's not."

Victorian Premier, John Brumby said this, not long after the suicide of Chanelle. I'm afraid I don't agree. It's the trend of not talking about it, of treating it as taboo that has lead young people to believe that they have no-where else to turn. It is this idea that has led us, as a nation to where we are with this issue now.

"I think John Brumby's comments are distinctly unhelpful. That is the sort of attitude that has got us into this situation to begin with - it's a head-in-the-sand attitude. One of the biggest issues is all of the taboos that we have around this topic, the toxic silence." (David Webb has completed a PhD on suicide).

Youth suicide is happening. It may not have the same coverage it once did, but it is happening and it's not something that can be ignored any longer. It's confronting and it's real. I feel that the media, needs to stop reporting on purely what makes good news and what will make people turn on their televisions. If they lose ratings in order to report whats right and whats important, so be it. I think, now, at this point in time we've reached an age where ratings shouldn't be the most important thing.

There will always be good news days and bad news days. But I think it's more important to report on the things that matter, things that will make people think and feel and want to respond.

Going Away

2009-09-06T19:34:00.000-07:00

It's cold and wet and miserable outside. I've just come back from a weekend away in the most glorious weather, so coming back to work on a Monday and looking out the window by my desk has become particularly depressing. The rain and mist in the trees is beautiful in it's own right, but it's not enough to pick me up today. I'm feeling a little meloncholy, I think it comes with travel. Getting away for a few days was exactly what I needed, but as always it feels as though it was over much to fast. Friday was all the excitement of getting out of town. Sunday was the gloom of heading home.

I love to travel though, all the same. It's different now I'm older and I've moved out of home. i'm travelling with friends now or by myself. When I was a child the thought of travel wasn't particularly appealing. The destination was exciting, but getting there was long and slow and almost unbearabley boring. Trips with my mother were riddled with fidgeting, whining, cries of 'How much longer?', lost toys and truck stops. My mother and I used to travel alot by bus. We didn't have a car so to go and visit my grandmother around christmas and Easter we had to sit through a 5 or 6 hour bus trip. When we moved to live closer to my grandmother, we stopped taking those trips, but I can still remember the stops and the towns, what they looked like, the pattern on the bus seats and the bus drivers, of which there were many, who'd drive us safetly from point A to B.

Now I'm older I relish the journey. It's peaceful, that point between destinations when you can stop and gather your thoughts. It's that time to think that we don't often get enough of. And it's surrounded by chaos. The rush to get out the door, to get there on time, to leave town before dark, to arrive early for check-in. The instant relief when you get where your going is a feeling not comparable to much else. And it's soon replaced by the panic of forgotten toothbrushes, travel documents or stuffed animals. Not long after that however, we resign ourselves to not having it all and are easily convinced that everything will be ok and we can just pick up another one when we get there.

Yesterday the Boy and I spent time wandering around our weekend holiday spot, doing some shopping and surveying the locals. It was a slow, lazy sort of day, spent mostly in the sun and in the muggy spring air. The heat was amazing. It's very cold here at home, most of the time, so to be able to walk down the street without a jacket was amazing. Simple pleasures :) Eventually though, we had to set off home and it's hard to switch back on at that point. When you spend time away from all your troubles so immersed in something and somewhere else that you can just forget what's been plaguing you back in real life, knowing that your going back can be very, very hard. Yesterday was no different. And today is just as I expected. Slow and a little bit sad.

Theres plenty of places like home and alot further away - I'm going to pick one.

2009-09-06T19:18:00.001-07:00

2009-08-24T03:41:00.000-07:00

Tonight is the third night myself and the Boy have spent apart.

And the less thats said about that - the better. Rest assured however, I am not a restless, weeping mess. I'm just a little cold. He's served me well as a portable electric blanket and I'm noticing his absence. (I expect I'll link him to this eventually so - apologies Darling, you're worth alot more than that..)

x

I haven't been very proactive about things lately. Theres lots to be done and I haven't gotten around to doing it as quickly as I would have liked to. So, there's still lots to be done. I've been feeling pretty sluggish on the whole. The prospect of facing life hasn't exactly thrilled me as much as it does some people and I don't particularly find much pleasure in things, things that I used to anyway. I'm assuming it's one of those moments that everyone comes across every so often. It'll last for a few weeks and then go away. I'm appropriately drugged up, so I'm counting on it going away, or things could get messy.

I'm hoping I'll find the happy place I was in a week ago again, very, very soon. Second guessing myself isn't doing me any good, nor those around me. The sooner I get my zest for life back the better. Though it's not as easy as picking it up from wherever I put it down.

2009-08-19T22:11:00.000-07:00

Gmail is down. I think the important thing to do in this situation is not panic. See, I'm starting to realise I rely on gmail quite a bit. Most of my personal and business emails tend to go to my Hotmail, along with a hell of alot of spam. But for things like gaming and online comrades, etc, well, it's gmail all the way.

And now it's not there.

Wow. O.o See, I can log into my google account, but its the mail thing thats the issue. Hmmmmm.....

2009-08-18T21:56:00.001-07:00

A simple caress can hypnotise even the strongest of hearts.

My downfall?

Your gaze in my direction.

I'm a slave to your whims.

You don't know it yet.

I don't expect you to notice, infact,

Don't.

If I can content myself in watching,

Breathing in your life as you let it slip past and,

Holding what little fate grants me tightly in one hand then,

Maybe,

Living could be effortless.

Then again,

I have no illusions about life.

I've spent years made of glass.

I can see right through myself.

Invisible in mirrors.

Aware only of imperfections.

Any flaw,

That can't be called 'art.'

You see through me just as well as,

I do.

Effortlessly.

Seamlessly.

I don't exist, except to stand in the shadow of long-stemmed flowers.

2009-08-18T21:54:00.000-07:00

...one thing and this I can tell you with great certainty, is that once you have something worth living for, then you have to hold it tightly with both hands and never let it go.
Because it can. And it will.
But only if you let it.
There are decisions I have made in my life I regret, others, not so much and others again that I wish I had.

I have lived a long life.

I've discovered that there is no escape from living. Though some may tell you there is. Realistically we have no choice. We're plunged unprepared into this harsh, cold, unfeeling territory and some invisible prescence screams out 'LIVE.'

There are many ways to die. But there are far too many repecussions that come with dying and certain ways of doing so. So many infact, that if one wishes to die and takes a long time to consider all their options and the pros and cons of each, it becomes ultimately alot more tiresome than life itself. So time has, essentially, been wasted.

So.

There is no escape from life.
It doesn't mean you have to enjoy it.

People frown upon pessimists alot, I find.
I can't imagine why.

There are people in the world who don't like brussel sprouts, I am a most vehement supporter of these folk and they are naturally accepted by society.
However, find someone who dislikes the life and all its trappings and their treated like an outcast. If its just another thing left to be used, liked, disliked, abused and then eventually thrown away or finished then why is there no choice as to whether it can be loved or hated.
Is it so wrong to hate something that has been cast upon us with absolutely no thought to the after affects?

2009-08-18T21:49:00.000-07:00

So, for the next few posts, I'm adding things I've written from the last couple of years. This includes some dark stuff and some very angsty poetry. If this sort of thing offends you....Sod off. ^.^

I've had your blood on my hands ever since I looked inside of you and saw heaven.

I told alot of people what I'd seen and pretty soon they all wanted a piece of you.

So I cut you into quarters and shared you with people I didn't know.

Now we're not talking.

2009-08-18T21:45:00.000-07:00

In reference to love i.e. the romantic, tragic, letsgetmarriedandhave5000childrenahouseamortgageandagoddamwhitepicketfence, hallmark inspired, mills and boon novel, hollywood movie, head over heels at first sight, kind. Can’t stand it. Would burn it at the stake had it any sort of physical form. Come to think of it, BRING ME A YOUNG COUPLE! It’s very complicated stuff this and when you say those words, as thrown around, bruised, battered and belittled as they are, people can’t help but take them very seriously. Even if you say them in the most nonchalent fashion, you can guarantee that the person you’ve said them to will spend the next week or so critically analysing everything you’ve said, the way you’ve said it, when you puased for breath, what tone you used on what word, what language you said it in, whether or not you’ve said it to someone else in the last 24 hours and whether upon really staring at you for hours on end, you MEANT it.

I use it alot at the end of phonecalls to close friends and not suprisingly reletives. I can’t help it, they may annoy the crap out of me sometimes, but they are family. My flesh and blood. I’m inspired everyday with the knowledge that I’m stuck with them. In all seriousness - I am very fond of my family. It could be ten times worse and they’ve supported through every single one of my manic phases. And there’ve been a few.
So yes, at the end of phonecalls and such. Its lovely. Unless your talking to a picky basterd or slave mistress who thinks the words hold some sort of sacred meaning and must be kept ONLY for special occasions, like birthdays, christmases and near death experiences.

What really frustrates me are those picky people who want to know how your spelling it. ’Love’ is generally what I go with. But apparantly people consider ’Luv’ a suitable alternative. I have been known to go ’Loff’ in the past, when I’m mocking someone, or being ’cute’ (someone should really cut that word from the dictionary and general existance) or friendly...or I’m drunk (When I’m not being the mega bitch, I’m being a raging alcoholic...oh what a life I lead). One of my previous paramours, I won’t mention names but I daresay he’ll know who he is, refused to say this unless I was using the ’Luv’ spelling. What I don’t understand is how the fuck anyone’s going to know, they all generally sound the same and if you don’t like it, sod off and become a scientoligist (I consider them rather barren as far as emotion goes...OPINION).

There’s also the wonders of ’taking a lover’ or ’making love’ though I can’t say WHY these practices are called such. A ’lover’ is generally a glorified fuck buddy with a pretty name (and I can say with much certainty that neither I nor half a dozen people I know have loved all their FBs). I daresay it is a nicer thing to say than ’Sexer’ Or, if we’re taking a more vulgar route (mind the pun) ’Fucker’ Irrespect of the fact that they are both, essentially TRUE. Come to think of it, however, there are only certain sects in socity who still call them ’lovers.’ Your typical teenager will be straight up - ’Fuckbuddy, friends with benefits...etc etc...’ There are a few who, after reading too much Plath (The Bell Jar) and Anais Nin (ANYTHING) and possibly, just a pinch of Germaine Greer (WE’VE ALL GONE DOWN THAT ROAD LADIES) see themselves in some bohemian idealised fantasy and refer to everything with what they consider to be a dignified tone, which turns out merely to be a shoddy english accent - they will refer to their saturday night conquest as a ’lover’ despite being half pissed on something that contains more food colouring than alcohol. Your average middle aged singleton (and/or housewife) will also refer to her...companion....as a lover. This is accompanied or followed by a flurry of giggles and blushing amongst friends. They spit the word out like it’s a curse. Like 6 yr olds, starting with a puase long enough to last a decent year before saying ’Bum....’ or, naughtier still...’Poo!’

Making Love is a concept which also puzzles me. There are several loved up couples in the world who live in a constant state of warm fuzzy and rave to all their friends about how much in amore they are with eachother and how all they ever do is make love. They say sex like it’s a naughty word and counsel their single friends on how ’having sex’ and ’making love’ are two different things and when they experience the other, they’ll simply KNOW the difference. Well. And someone will come along and rant, rave, prove me wrong, but I’m here to tell you that in my opinion and the opinion of those much smarter and far more sexed crazed and loved up than myself, that ’Making love’ and ’having sex’ are, essentially the same thing. And I say this only so, on a saturday night when your lying on a beach, stuck under some over eager and half cocked 19 yr old emo, who you could swear was the love of your life - you won’t be too dissapointed. Both practices involve the same thing. And I don’t think we need to go much further than that other than to say that, much as it is with ’lovers’ - it’s all in the name.

>.<

2009-07-28T19:30:00.000-07:00

One thing that I'll never understand is the way that money consumes people. It's pretty safe to say it occupies my mind 99.9% of the time and I don't have all that much of it to begin with. Which is perhaps what makes it so consuming in the first place.

I need to finish my tax. Hopefully I'll be able to use it get rid of a whole chunk of my debt. Fingers crossed.

20/7/09

2009-07-19T19:28:00.000-07:00

Another Day...more stuff...

My Grandmother has sent me information about a Speech/Speaking competition she thinks I should try out for. It looks interesting. Another ABC creation...I'd have to Audition, but it could be fun. My only problem would be writing another speech and remembering the damn thing. I've always had issues with that stuff. I could possibly use one that I've already written, but I do have to consider my audience. Perhaps one of facebook this time? Who knows. I'll have a bit of a brain storm this evening I think. See what I can get started. Thats the worst part, so if I can atleast get SOMETHING down on paper, it'll lead on to something else (fingers crossed).

I've had pretty severe writers block lately >.< It's messing me round in a big way. I hate wandering up into your thoughts and finding nothing there. Or nothing much. No good. No Fun and not constructive at all. I'd be happy to even write rubbish for a while, because it's rubbish, but it's something and something to me is better than nothing. Atleast at the moment it is. Here's to Writers Block not driving me nuts in the next couple of weeks...

19/7/09

2009-07-19T03:25:00.000-07:00

I have THE job. And it's fantastic.

Today is Sunday and tomorrow will be the start of my second week of employment. The first week went well and I'm expecting only good things from the second. The work itself isn't too much of an issue. I'm learning alot as I go along. It's all office admin stuff and on Tuesday some one's coming into the office to sign me up for Cert 2. in office Administration, so it looks like in the next year or so I'll have some quals behind me. Ones I haven't had to pay for, which, only a fool could fail to see the benefit of.

I work for and with good people. Supportive types who seem eager for me to learn and grow and not hellbent on stressing me out. That's not to say everyone in my previous position was, but, I can't say with all honesty that my well being or the well being of the people I worked with was at forefront of their minds. Money came first there and I'm happy to be in a situation now where, whilst it's important, it's not the end of the world if they can't make a quick buck. The concept of spending money in order to make and save money is something that's pretty highly valued where I am now and it's a pleasant surprise.

Not only that, they ask my opinion on things. Not because they have to or as a last resort, but because they want to. And it makes you feel good, to have that happen.

I'm at the Boy's house this evening. He's lying on his bed reading and I can see him from where I'm sitting. He has a pretty insane computer set up, so I figure as long as I keep typing and don't breathe on anything too much, then I won't make anything explode. The Boy also has kitties. Well, he as one. His housemate has another. But they tend to frequent his room. They curl up on the end of the bed or near the heater and stay there for lengthy periods of time. It's adorable.

The Boy is a very warm person. I like this.

9/7/09

2009-07-08T19:40:00.000-07:00

The job drought has broken! Almost.

Went for what looks to be a dream job, for me anyway and have been invited back for a second interview. Very excited indeed.

Now sitting on the couch with The Boy and Mr Sparkles, watching 'In Bruges'. It's...interesting. The boy has been sick and thus incapacitated. This is dissapointing for many reasons. Mainly, I can't jump his bones while he's running a fever -.- And I'd really, really like to. I've been taking care of him though. Making sure he has his lemsip every four hours...wondering how long it'll take him to get sick of me...

7/709

2009-07-07T03:07:00.000-07:00

So...I'm dating a nice boy.

THE nice boy.

How about that, huh?

And...it's nice. He's quite sweet and I'm very happy. It's been the first time in some time that I feel the way I do. And the way I feel shall be kept quiet, for the time being, just in case the boy stumbles upon the blog. Hopefully I'll introduce them to each other, in time. And they'll get along nicely enough.

Other than that, which I'll write about more when I'm alone (At the boys, he has the flu :( Behold! Nurse Mary!), the job search continues and thus far is as fruitless as it was a few days ago. I'm trying not to panic and having a lot of fun with friends, but there's rent to worry about and bills to pay, eventually...so I have to. I'm happily applying for at least one a day. So at least I can say I'm doing something and keep the parents at bay. My mother thrives on telling me what I'm doing wrong with my life, but I'm pretty sure that's a mother thing, so I try not to take it 'too' seriously. Doesn't mean it won't piss me off. It does. All the time.

-rolls eyes-

2009-06-24T02:50:00.000-07:00

Perez Hilton got beaten up.

If you've read the statement: Epic lolz.

Hush up hun and get to your hypocrites annonymous meeting ASAP.

Ben Bunnington <3

2009-06-24T02:22:00.000-07:00

This is the man in my life at the moment. His name is Ben. He's about 6 months old and he's a Netherland Dwarf cross as yet annonymous rabbit breed.

He's very cute indeed, but an absolute handful.

Don't let the cute thing fool you, this bunny bites!

Other than that, he's fairly well behaved. At the moment, we're staying at Mothers so he's living in his travel cage, until we let him out and then he hops around the house. He's a bit of a mountain rabbit. One of his favourite past times is to climb all over furniture and then jump from one item to another. Normally he'll hurtle around the house until he's a little tired and then leap onto whoevers bed or chair is closest for some attention. Now that it's winter he's far more eager to snuggle than in the warmer months when he's more interested in climbing and eating anything and everything.

He'll normally sit with me while I'm writing. But I think thats because when I'm writing, I'm usually drinking. Tea, that is. And in a true Beatrix Potter-esque, Peter Rabbit moment, he likes to drink out of my cup. At this stage, I'm not sure how good/bad that is for him so I don't encourage it. But 99.9% of the time, when I try to stop Ben from doing anything, I fail. EPIC FAIL. He's very fast aswell, so if I've let him out of his cage for some excercise, I'll spend at least an hour running around the house trying to catch him. More often than not, the housemates come to find me half lying under the couch trying to swipe a rabbit out from under it and cursing, loudly.

He's a bit of a character is my Ben. But he's good company.

the kindness of strangers...

2009-06-24T02:05:00.000-07:00

Safe to say there were a few crap happenings yesterday, but something good happened that in the midst of all the crap, I forgot to mention.

Having left work and feeling pretty damn sorry for myself (not suprising -.-) I made my way towards the interchange to catch the bus. At the time I had the expectation that, considering the day had gone from bad to abysmal, I'd probably missed it. Low and behold, about a minute after I'd sat down in the bus shelter, the bus appears. I was pretty much right on time and the bus was, for once, about a minute late. You have no idea how much of a relief that was at the time. If I had missed it, it would have been an hour until the next one and I was in one of those moods where all I really wanted to do was see my mum (Sad, I know. But....she's my mum. And I felt pretty miserable and...well, you know mums...).

What really made the difference though, was the bus driver. Don't get me started on Canberra's taxi drivers (no, really, don't..) and sometimes the bus drivers can be pretty crabby, but this man was different. He was one of those loud, cheery looking men. He had what can only be described as a booming voice and a massive smile. He reminded me a little of Santa, minus a couple of years and the facial hair. Anyway, I got on the bus behind someone who I thought he must have known because they had a short conversation and handed over my fare. I was pretty quiet at the time. "Your very quiet!" He didn't say it unkindly or anything like that, it was more of a general observation. "Whats up!?" I was a bit suprised and I didn't really know what to say. I hadn't pictured myself talking much on the way home, so I explained that I was heading home from work. "Is that a good thing or a bad thing?" I said it was a bit of both. "You should be over there then! Booking yourself a trip!" He nodded towards a nearby travel agency and shot me a smile. I smiled, laughed and shrugged before going to get a seat.

I don't know why, but after that and listening to the brief exchanges he had with each of his passengers as they got on and off the bus, kept a smile on my face for most of the afternoon. It's people like that man, who restore my faith in people. And they're there, every day, helping people in their own little way. It's like second nature to them aswell. They may not even know how much they've helped people, but they have and I think it's fantastic. As I was getting off the bus, he said goodbye and asked me if I was alright. "Yeah, I'm good.." I smiled back and said thankyou. And I was good. Despite everything, I was ok and not only could I say that, I could feel it. And it's been a while.

....>.>

2009-06-23T07:55:00.000-07:00

Please Explain? Why some dolt felt it necessary to put their own independantly published magazine amidst other magazines at bookstores and news agencys throughout Canberra, with a helpful message informing them that they couldn't buy it in the establishment and could buy it ?

Not cool. The people who do have their mags in reputable sort of places all over the city and the country in some cases, have worked their asses off to get it there.

Don't steal their thunder. I'm all for independant publications...but it takes work. Thats part of the experience. I'll buy it, if it's good. Not because someone thought they were being 'witty.'

Mary-Kate - Wingman extrodinaire!

2009-06-23T06:36:00.000-07:00

Here's a weird situation for you:

One of my friends...we'll call her, for strictly blogging purposes Miss Organised.

Miss Organised gets, without a doubt, ALL the boys. She has this allure, that so far none of us have been able to match. And, considering the way some of them end up after having been with her, in every sense of the word, I'm suprised she still manages to hook them. There really should be a support group or something by now...

So, Miss Organised, she gets all the boys and to the best of my knowledge, she doesn't mind this. She likes to keep her options open (don't we all) and if I had the same amount of man candy she seems to have on a regular basis...well, I'd be keeping my options open too. That said, Miss O, is a woman. And like all women, she's quite happy with the candy when it's there....but she wants something more. Deep down, she wants the real deal. Now, it doesn't help she just came out of a verrrrrrry long relationship...see, you don't just jump right out of that sort of thing. It takes time. Alot of time. And it's hard to figure out whether or not she wants something new or...something to fill the gap. Not fun :(

So, there's two boys. One is very, very, very, very, very, very, VERY nice. The other one....well, he's a bit naughty. But he's got that bad boy appeal that we seem to fall for ALL the time. She's fallen into something nice and easy with the bad boy and the nice boy, he's just a friend. He was out with us the other night. That was pleasant. Asked me to play his wingman, also pleasant. Fun was had by all.

I DON'T WANT TO THE WINGMAN. I'M SICK OF BEING THE WINGMAN! DO I HAVE WINGMAN TATTOOED ACROSS MY FORHEAD????? WELL?????

I have, I'm not ashamed to say, a bit of a crush on this boy. And I've found myself in similar situations before....I have alot of male friends and because I've dabbled with my sexuality, I can speak pretty flippantly about my own sex. Something which they seem to appreciate. I mean, lets be honest, each to their own, everyone does some stupid crap sometimes and there are some women out there....they give the sisterhood a bad name. I think it's this flippancy, however, thats become the problem. It's like that Katy Perry song. I'm LIVING a Katy Perry song. I've already lived one. And it wasn't 'Waking up in Vegas'.

Dating on ze internetz

2009-06-23T05:41:00.001-07:00

So, moving on from the previous angst ridden entry....(I'm feeling much better, thankyou).

I'm a bit of a fan of online dating. More for the fact that it's online, not so much the dating part. I haven't met too many people I'd actually consider dating...yet. But I have made some half decent friends and it's always nice to have a few extra people part of your group on a big night out! In all honesty though, I have met some really geniune, friendly sort of guys online and it's nice to see.

Before you ask, safety first and all that, I don't launch myself straight into meetings with people I meet on the internets....I generally have a fair bit of contact before then and normally, I'll meet them when I'm around friends. It's easier that way. It doesn't hurt to have a bit of a chat on the phone beforehand, either.

So I'm back on the bandwagon this evening and it's brought a bit of a smile to my face. There ARE attractive single men in Canberra. Contrary to popular belief, they don't all have girlfriends or sex addictions...:D And some of them are very yummy indeed, not to mention, they all, so far, appear to have BRAINS. THIS, ladies and gentleman, is NOT something we come across every day.

Cheap thrills. If you want to meet people on a budget, try RSVP.com.au or oasisactive.com.au
Oasis is free and there's all sorts on there. RSVP is a bit more streamlined and there are costs involved depending on how you want to go, but alot of the time, if your lucky, people will contact you first. I've been a paid member once and I'd say it was worth it.

Shit.

2009-06-22T18:20:00.000-07:00

So, I'm sitting at a net kiosk, right near my soon to be 'old' work and I'm having a bit of a panic attack. Today hasn't been so great. I know I said I was aiming for the whole 'Optimism' thing, but I've kicked that habit since yesterday evening. Work is the same as it's always been, they shamelessly take advantage and push you all around the store, including asking you to deal with the people you would have dealt with, had your job still existed when they should really be doing all of that themselves.

I can't handle it. I can't go back. I don't want to. I'm on the verge of I don't know what, but it feels terrible and I don't want to do this anymore.

....one of those things you notice late at night

2009-06-22T06:02:00.001-07:00

Channel 10 late news: Tom Piotrowski from CommSec is hot.

Word.

Tea <3

2009-06-22T05:57:00.001-07:00

There's nothing more calming and soothing to me at the moment than tea. It really is one of life's greatest, simple little pleasures and it cures all sorts of little ills. Lemon tea, for instance. I've been making a lot of it for my mother, she has a cough. Myself, I just drink my tea black. With two. I used to have it all milky and sweet, but I ran out of milk one day and since then have managed to ease myself off the stuff. It's funny how tastes change.

I really ought to get some sleep.

And just when I thought things couldn't get ANY better...

2009-06-22T00:01:00.000-07:00

Well...shit.

Today started off well. I called in sick from work because they OWE me a day and realistically, ASKING them for it before Thursday wouldn't have worked. So I spent my morning messing with the blog, playing with widgets, fooling around with twitter (That all comes across sounding really....odd). I played some sims 3....and then made the mistake of letting my mother play the sims 3 and she hasn't reappeared from her room all day (Note: I'm still staying with Mum. I was meant to be going home this evening, not sure if that'll happen or not, generally feeling quite shitty).

After that...well, I slept. For most of the day. I just got really, really tired all of a sudden and sleeping seemed like the OBVIOUS thing to do. I was exhausted, which, considering I haven't done that much, was suprising. My phone hadn't been charged so when I eventually woke up I had to haul ass down to the car and whack it on the charger there....nothing. No news is good news right? Wrong.

Checked the email.....REJECTION LETTER. -sigh- I can't say I haven't been expecting them. Not that I don't think I have a chance at any of the jobs I've been applying to, but, it's not my decision. I can feel brilliant about everything I apply for...it doesn't mean I'll get it. But being positive does help. I've been trying very hard to maintain that optimism. I've never been very good at playing the optimist. Now is no exception. I'm fighting to keep a smile on my face, but all I come off looking like is homicidal. That said, the expression may come in handy over the last 3 days at work....should keep the customers at bay and hopefully management. I'm fighting to maintain respect for the people I worked with. Management in particular. It's so sad. I used to think the world of these people, for whatever reason and now I can't even rustle up the slightest amount of respect for them. For someone like me, for all the time I claim to hate people and society and all that...well, I don't. Not always. Stupid people. Yeah. Definately. No exceptions there (unless they're friends and we're drunk), but people in general...only sometimes.

I've started to realise that all this probably makes next to no sense.

Ugh, how depressing.

So, where to from here? Food. Yes. Predictable female response. As I've mentioned before, I'm not afraid to play to the cliches of my sex. And right now, despite the fact that it is FREEZING in canberra right now, the coffee ice cream looks fucking glorious.

Thursday June 18 2009

2009-06-17T18:14:00.000-07:00

Note to self: Job searching is not fun. There is no way in which it can be fun and if I ever find myself tricked into thinking it's fun then someone needs to hit me over the head with something hard and dull very, very, very quickly.

I think, under those circumstances, it would be fitting.

There's plenty of jobs around, but I haven't found my job yet. And it's troubling. I finish work next week and there'll be a little money hanging around by way of my redundancy pay out and another fortnights pay....but after that, zilch. And the rent just won't wait. I figure if I put enough away for the next couple of months I'll be alright. But then there's everything else, the phone, the net, my computer, groceries...I can't rely on my family to feed me forever. As much as the occassional home cooked meal is lovely, I need to start making my own lovely home cooked meals. In my own home.

-Sigh-

I'm feeling a little sad like at the moment.

Time to go shopping. Retail therapy, on a budget, A+++.

Tuesday June 16 2009 Pt 1

2009-06-15T18:07:00.000-07:00

One thing about my job I've never gotten used to: The Porn.

I work with magazines at the moment, amongst other things, mainly books. But I'm surrounded by sex in this place. Whether it be between employees or friends of employees or customers...but most of it is in the books and magazines themselves. It's delightful. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not dissing Porn. It can be fun and it definately has it's uses....but I've just spent the morning sorting through gay porn and back issues of 'Penthouse Couples'. It's confronting, to say the least.

Quote of the Day: "HUNG LIKE AN EQUINE" (Lolz).

Monday June 15 2009 Pt 2

2009-06-15T06:14:00.000-07:00

I seem to be having the abnormally great luck of stumbling upon every needy male in Canberra.

Notice I said, 'Male', because that is their gender. Not 'Man' because that, well it just wouldn't be true. I'm particularly fond of of men. And the concept of a man is something that is quite dear to me. I'd like a Man. A real one. One that isn't entierly perfect and isn't too nice and doesn't always open doors for me, particularly if I want to open those doors myself.

A concept that I have great difficulty describing and explaining to my girlfriends, is that of the guy who is 'too' nice. He's the guy that all your friends love and think you should be with. And he's the guy you could take to meet your mother, within an hour of meeting and know for absolute certain that she'll adore him as much as everyone else does. He's charming, in the sense that he's sweet and chivalrous and knows how to treat a girl. He's practically perfect in every single way -

...Except he has no balls.

And that is part of the problem.

In order to explain this a little better, I'll give you a quick rundown of my perfect man:
1. He's not perfect. He has some definate bad habits, like most people and is not ashamed to admit these. These habits include: Loud bodily functions, leaving the seat up, being a grumpy old git (even though he's in his 20's), being deliberately argumentative etc. The perfect man would, when giving you a rundown of his 'bad' habits would include travesties such as drinking out of the carton and having high expectations of himself. I'm sure that these can be causes of great concern for some people - I'm not one of them.
2. He doesn't push the money thing. I really, really, really can't stand that. Oh great. You'll pay for my drinks! I will now shamelessly throw myself at you! Take me, Take me now! There are some men for whom paying for things, just comes naturally. Those men are also the ones who don't talk about it. Their mothers raised them right. Because there's no point being a gentleman and doing that sort of thing, if you deem it necessary to make sure I know about it. And telling me your going to do it, will not make me any more inclined to date you. It will, instead, not only make me feel bought, but it'll start to get old...verrrry quickly.
3. He makes decisions. He makes the first move. If its moving too fast or its a move I don't appreciate, I'll say so. But every single man I've come across lately, doesn't excel at decision making. I've had to make the first move, 5 dates down the track for the past 3 men I've been seeing. Now, some would say they're shy. Ok. I just call it bad luck on my part. I can be a pretty loud, dominant sort of person. But like any girl I like a guy with a dominant side. Sometimes I want to indulge my inner social cliche and have a man who'll take control of a situation and be the Man that natural order says he should be. There are, granted, times when this also gets annoying, but a complete lack of it? -Shudder-

At the moment I'm in one of those 'THIS FEELS LIKE I'M BASHING MY HEAD AGAINST A BRICK WALL' kind of conversations with one such male. This'll take concentration...Updates soon.

Monday June 15 2009 Pt 1

2009-06-15T05:43:00.000-07:00

Redundancy: The Pros and Cons.

I've figured out that in order to not feel weepy and miserably over what will soon be a certain lack of employment, I should consider the pros and cons of the situation and focus far more on the pros. That said, most of the pros seem to have a more negetive...tone, so all in all my ''Pessimist of the Year' title, remains safe. -.-

So, the Pros -

- I finish next week! On Thursday! At 4pm. TO THE PUB!
- No more working pointless overtime that results in no pay, but 'time in lieu' most of which I'll never see again.
- No more doing my job....and five other peoples.
- No more providing mock sympathy to management over 'staffing issues' that turn out to be their fault anyway.
- No more getting groped (and/or 'Is that your wallet or are you just happy to see me?') by strange senior public servants IN PUBLIC.
- No more getting sworn at by Asian men with small man syndrome. Yeah. Asshole. I remember.
- No more abuse for plastic bag charges. I DON'T CARE. If you don't want to PAY then you don't have to SHOP HERE. So, SOD OFF PLEASE.
- I can go out now and find something that (in a perfect world) pays more! Bring on the Australian Public Service! Hurrah!

The Cons -

- I like my job.
- I like (most) of the people I work with.
- I'm good at my job.
- Job hunting, in particular, selection criteria, is shit. AND SLOWLY DRIVING ME MAD.

I don't think I've acheived much by doing this. All in all, its stuff I already know in the back of mind but just haven't stopped to overly consider. I care about things too much, I think. And I'm trying very hard not to, but it's not working. Hmm.

Sunday the 14th of June 2009 - Chapter 1.

2009-06-14T04:03:00.001-07:00

So, in the last two weeks, just about everything that could go wrong with my life, has.

1. I was made redundant.
2. My mother got sick.
3. Drunken snogging with one guy, resulted in pissing another off.

Well done Mary.

Given that now I've decided to start living my life in a manner that'll be slightly better for my health and my sanity, I thought now was the time to start documenting things. Shed some light on life as I know it, for myself...and maybe someone else. Perhaps in some, small way, this might turn out to be helpful.

I'll just have to wait and see I guess.