It's amazing how in less than a month, your entire world can be flipped upside down and all over the place. Amazing, brilliant and frightening, but it all happens so quickly that generally, there's very little you or anyone else can do about it. I know that in my life this sort of phenomena tends to be a normality. There isn't a day without something life changing. After a while this can get annoying. There are some dull, dull days where things seem less like a soap opera and more like an abstract short story, where every little normal thing, from brushing your teeth, to going to bed is magnified and filled with adjectives and nondescript turns of phrase. These days are as they are, so ridiculously analysed, because without the drama that has become every day, I'm forced to look for something else to keep me entertained, or to write about.

I'm looking for work again. Lucky me. My reasons...there's a few. I reisgn tomorrow and I could go into a lengthy explanation of why this is happening, but I've told the same story so many different times over the past two weeks in so many different ways that I'm running out of ways to tell it so I don't get bored. My vocab has been exhausted. Needless to say, I left for a reason, one I see as being a good one and I'm determined to start enjoying my life. It looks as though I may be heading back into the book industry, which is where I really belong and I'm happy there. I hope this turns out to be the case. I'm sick of waking up in the morning and being filled with a sense of forboding.

Tomorrow, however, there will be therapy, of some description. I will talk alot, to someone who is a qualified listener and who will then make a diagnosis and tell mewhether or not I'm entierly sane. I like to think I already know the answer, but you can never be too sure. I, am most certainly not qualified to know these things, so I think it's probably best for me to get a second opinion before I go right ahead and commit myself. No matter how appealing the option seems. I need a support network. People who will help memake sense of what's going on and why it's happening and convince methat fate is not entierly against me and I haven't angered God. Though I think this is very likely. We haven't exactly been on speaking terms in some time. And I have been using his name in vain a little more than necessary. I'm simply not the good catholic girl my family had once hoped to turn out. Certain members of the family that is. I'm far too argumentative for some. Not to mention I have my own ideas and I've turned out a lot like my brilliant, forward thinking, highly intelligant mother. Heaven forbid!

Things with the Boy are plodding along nicely. He is lovely. And supportive of me, in all my madness and emotional trauma. Of which, it would seem, there is alot more than expected. I make the mistake of thinking that I've put all these things behind me, only to have them sneak back up on me when I least expect it. These sort of issues are never really put to pasture. That said, there's times when I find myself becoming the over-obsessive girlfriend and wondering where he is and what he's doing. I don't worry about him being with another girl or anything like that, but he's not very good at communicating sometimes and it's hard. I try to be understanding and not turn into one of those mad women and need everything done to some sort of schedule that doesn't exist. Truth would be nice though. I hate being told something because the assumption is that it's what I want to hear. If you're not going to be home for an hour or so, tell me. Don't say you'll be home 'soon' and then not show up until around midnight, expecting attention.

I have anger issues (no, really?). I get infuriated when people make promises they can't keep. I don't know why. I think it all boils down to Father dearest and his awesome ability to do just that. And to have me so convinced that what he would say was true. That I could rely on him and no-one else, but in truth, it was the other way around. I could rely on everyone else, but not him. Sometimes it's hard to figure out what hurts me more. I think the most annoying thing is that I'm so caught between love and hate for this man, this father, that I don't know where to start. I don't know what to do with this mass of emotion. And it's never going to get any easier, but I have no choice but to convince myself it will, until I have the time to actually make it happen.