Spending a ton more time by myself. And trying to rustle up enough enthusiasm not to care. I never said I was good at this. I miss being out, so, so much. I should have done my best to cling to the female friends I had when I had them. But over time they've all either moved away, moved onto greener pastures or just lost interest. I don't get along that well with girls. And I'm so bored. The guys I used to hang out with still go out but they usually head out with the intention of picking up and I can't do that anymore. It's not really my focus anymore. Sometimes I wonder if this was a good idea in the first place.

I keep thinking about Vincent. About the chances we haven't had. All the things we haven't done. I miss him so, so much. I've been thinking a lot more lately about how things could have been. If he'd gotten better and I'd been a little less fucked up. I know he would have convinced me to finish school, no matter how fucked up things had been. And I would have gone to university, just like I'd planned from the beginning. But things didn't happen that way. But I can't stop imagining what life might have been like. And I can't stop dreaming about him. I see his face in my sleep and he's telling me every things going to be OK and I wish, more than anything else right now, that I could believe him.

Sometimes everything just hurts. I don't know whats wrong with me right now. The Boy deserves better than this. I wish I could be as happy as I'm supposed to be right now.